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| 04:57pm 09/10/2007 |
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i don't whether I'm going up or what, but I'm really not hyped on the way I look. It's not painful to look in the mirror, nor is it some great pleasure. I really have to doll myself up to be somewhat interested, that usually means doing my eyes and hair in a vague sixties throw back with my hair half up and liquid eye liner. I'm just not girly giddish about fixing myself up. I still trim and pluck my eyebrows, occasional concealer.
I thought maybe it was my glasses cause I wear them all the time now, but I took them off anad started to do my make-up, and I didn't like what I saw. So I put them back on. Zack seems to think I look fine. I wonder if it's because I kind of have someone it makes me less bummed about it, or I'm just not into the way I look, I think maybe I'm just going through an awkward stage, at 19.
The other night zack and I talked a lot more than we have. It's not even that I'm sprung really, it's as though if we were not involved I'd still love to be good friends with him and know him and care about him. I think that's why I'm most excited about this relationship, because it really does have a future no matter what. I'm just a little sprung though, he is pretty cute.
he hasn't cried for four years though. he's gotten sad but hasn't really cried. i don't know how i fee; about that. to me crying is such an important physical action to your mind, it's so purging and confirming. it's funny, because i feel like i cry to easily. |
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| 05:20pm 05/10/2007 |
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well it's been a bit since i've posted anything. life is good, lot's of growth going on and shit. the Free Will astrology scares me because it almost is always (actually always always) 80 percent directly speaking to ME. well the most obvious thing i want to talk about is new boy zack. good, very good. he's a very good young boy, very honest. likes to understand things and situations around him, he's very present, BUUUUT really easy going, reasonable, not annoying, funny, good for me. good for each other i think. he definitely takes me out of my comfort zone, but in a positive way. you know i don't like to overhype things since i'm young and never met anyone i really liked this much. that's sounds funny like i'm nuts over him, i'm not, i just like him a lot, it's like meeting your new best friend where you can tell that there not going anywhere so you just take your time getting to know them as life goes on. |
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| 10:42pm 06/06/2007 |
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Edit: I meant to post this a couple days ago, I feel much differently.
Ok, I'm scared now. I'm in my pajamas watching the french open eating cereal and I could do this till my hearts' content. This is not going to be avaliable to me now. I can't be a sloth anymore. Wait, I will always be a sloth. Just when I'm given the oppurtunity I totally take advantage of it. But now I won't be able to sloth whenever since I'm moving. I won't be able to ratify my guilt for slothing by going to the gym whenever I want (like I'm going to do after I'm done writing this). I will but I'm going to be so busy and distracted I know it.
Yes, I'm more afraid of losing my slothy comfy nest. What I'll be getting in return will be so much better I know, but it's hard to judge if that's true. It's hard to choose the best for yourself (or at least the better choice) if you don't really know what you are going to get. Alright, I might wash my hair today, but I don't really care, I might just put more beads in it. I think I will just wait till it smells too bad.
NOW FOR THE REAL DEAL!
Today, on wednesday the 6th of june I packed up a good portion of my shit and register for classes at pcc. Tomorrow I plan on depositing my checks, getting my oil changed and making a copy of my new house key and my car key. I'm becoming more and more efficient at just getting things done with the more and more control I have. It's so nice, I feel more like myself than ever before. Who said I could never be adept at finishing things? Nobody did, I just assumed because I have sense of humour and like shopping I couldn't possibly be good and getting things taken care of.
My theory has been proven a lot lately: Keep your shit together and simple and move along, because life will come at you and give you all the drama you need. I guess I could shorten it but I think it makes sense. If life went along at a steady pace with no bumps it would become tired and redudent and no real growth would occur. |
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| 12:17am 27/05/2007 |
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I just met the other roomies, really chill people. they were a little reserved, but they are a couple years older and i'm kind of goofy. Yeah, i feel sort of bad for only paying 250 for my space, but i figure i should see how it goes at first and i can decide later if i should pay equally what everyone else pays. i also have to consider the moneys too, i still do work a minimum wage part-time job.
i'm glad they're really nice folk and i'm excited to be a good roommate, because i will be.
i need to go to target asap! i'm think of just storing my clothes in clear storage bins along the length of the space since the ceilings are pretty low, but i still have to physically look at it. i don't even know about the bed.
i only worry about barkley and who's going to take care of him.
they're already planning a house warming party, how cute. yeah i definitely feel good about them. |
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| 01:54am 26/05/2007 |
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I got a new bike ahhhhh. Red Schwinn rode bike, it's like the fucking color of my car bummmer but I can deal but I don't know what to tape the handle bars with besides white, black or some kind of yellow, maybe green. It needs a new front fender and probably a professional tune-up but it rides real nice and was way less than what I was willing to put out.
Okay, now, obviously there are some fucking details to work out since it only became realized yesterday but I very much might be moving. HOW EXCITING. It's a really good time for this financially and I think a step in the direction I want to push myself. I'm comfortable, very comfortable, but what is that next to real growth and freedom? YEAH LIKE EXACTLY.
It would be with sweet Kristina McDonald and two other of her friends (whom I should meet asap) in a two story house where I'd take the attic. It's in Sellwood area, near holgate and 11th. Pretty close to Mcglouhlin blvd but when we went to look at it I didn't even notice the busy road since it doesn't connect. oh yeah no big deal like 10 minute bus ride to the goodwill bins and goodwill superstore. 20 minute to downtown, but I'd probably ride my bike to work. Oh yeah, I get to paint my room whatever I want.
oh yeah, it's 250 a month. That was a big convincer. I know I can't get to hyped on everything because next I need to meet the other roomies, then talk to my parents about it, work out the monthly allowance my dad was going to give me anyway (oh that also covers my rent), PACK ALL MY SHIT, learn about the bus and bike routes, probably meet the landlord?, and get rid of my car. that's like my secret joy. having a car is very nice, agreed. but, think of the gas that i wouldn't have to pay, the stress of driving a maintaining a vehicle, it has all become a real pain.
okay, let me think of things i don't like about this situation, as to see it from all sides. well, this is my first time moving out and i don't know who i'm living with really well. i know kristina but i wouldn't call us really good friends. it might be good for the beginning so it would probably be easier to lay down gound rules about cleaning and stuff, it would be easier to set up a gay chore system with someone your not buds with i think. just because of the way i've grown up i've learned to keep common areas well kept, excluding my room which is a fucking nest usually.
if you are reading this i'm amazed because this must sound so boring to anyone besides me.
before i move out i want to take care of school stuff. it looks like i just need to sign and mail a form then my finanial aid will pay for last year's PCC bill and there will be some left over for school next year. i need to fill out the application for psu but that can wait another few weeks.
lana's tattoo is june 8th, insane. she'll be gone to SD on the 10th for ten days. i wonder what i'll be doing.
i really hope everything works out. everything lately has been going so great, but i know there is such a thing as being too optimistic and trusting luck too much. this all feels like a reward though for being patient. i could have tried and moved out with shauna last summer but i decided not to. i wouldn't say i roll cheap but i don't but a lot of crap and save my money. now, an oppurtunity presents itself and ready in all aspects of my life. my family and i are on good terms, i'd got my school plan, good friends, spare money, the only thing i'd like to change is my job. it can get so boring and i feel like i'm getting paid to stand around, wipe counters and sell an occasional 5 dollar popcorn to old people. hopefully i'll start getting more box shifts. nobody can say i havn't tried to get another job. maybe if this moving thing works out i can find a job nearby, there is that new seasons right there.
i know this is gay, but i think this will also help me artistically, having a better space for myself where i can focus on making things.
so much stuff to process, i'm glad i got it all out. |
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| 09:49pm 15/04/2007 |
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Some days absolutely kill me.
Rather, I definitely have my moments.
It is also hard when someone you consider your rock, lifemate, soul companion yadda yadda, can keep something dangerous from you for so long with you being none the wiser. You can't be mad or angry that they didn't tell you. It just hurts when someone you love has problems that hurt themsleves. Problems that you could never be capable of having. And it's nobody's fault.
I need to make my days more meaningful and well spent here because moving won't do no good for anybody. I forget how young 19 is. Especially when I choose not to drink and quitting smoking isn't exactly easy. Especially when both of these things are constantly around you. When opt out of things that are so socially acceptable, it makes you feel pretty alone. I would like nothing more than to meet great people. If only I liked hardcore, fully blossomed social network right there!
Gross. Anyway, I'm thinking of starting an online day by day illustrated blog. Hopefully I'll do it everyday, and manage at least 1-3 panels. But all of this is meditation towards perhaps a larger and ambitious interest that might come about of starting a zine. I don't know, lately I realized how fond of periodicals I've always been. I've started making collages again, so fun everyone should do it. I'm getting that graphic design bug again for sure, good. |
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| 11:32pm 19/12/2006 |
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Woo wee I havn't been this boy crazy since 3rd fuckins grade. This one, oh, potential. He's could be a little to cute for me, fuck it at least I gotta try, it's all relative anyway. |
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| 12:36am 13/12/2006 |
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I crave affection. I try to push those stupid, shallow thoughts out of my head, I try to listen to beautiful music and think about how important other things are, how i know how important other things are. It doesn't do fuck. It's completely my carnal instincts kicking in. Even if someone is cute or nice or has good things to say, if for whatever reason my brain doesn't find him SEXUALLY interesting, I lose interest. So, I try to trick myself into finding their features "unique" "charming." No, no no, it doesn't work like that, if you find someone truly attractive it's not luke warm. I now understand the dilema of all those dumb bitches out there. Why do you have to be an asshole and sooo fucking cute at the same time? why? |
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| 08:45pm 21/11/2006 |
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I WANT ANOTHER TATTOO.
I hate being sick and exhausted. Lately, as of late, I can't go a day without some physical activity. I go to the gym almost everyday, it's nice to sweat things out because most things can be. And it fucking cool to have muscles, things aren't super fucking hard to pick up anymore. |
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| 02:08am 29/09/2006 |
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TOMMOROW TATTOO NOON @ SCAPEGOAT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO |
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| 10:53pm 18/09/2006 |
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I want another tattoo, I might get one near my other one, then at the same time a funny small one somewhere. I was thinking about a skeleton on my hip bone pointing frantically towards my vagina. Very cartoony an skatechy. Or, some sexy latin guy name written really fancy on my arm, like he's my bo or something like the trashy white chicks do for their baby's daddy. Yeah, the big serious one I still don't know, maybe some roses to compliment my exsisting one. |
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| 12:25pm 12/07/2006 |
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I love rap, it's getting bad. |
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| 12:55pm 21/06/2006 |
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I'm so excited to get my tattoo. If life's not working I'll become a tattoo artist. Target is okay for now. I'm updating my ipod like mad. I miss Natalia a lot lot lot. I should probably take this oppurtunity to hang with all my many other friends...cause i have just soooo many other...friends. I do actually, and we'll hang out. This mix from a year ago, I can't remember some of these songs. |
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| 08:52am 26/04/2006 |
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Reading old journals brings back memories of when I was momentarily crazy. I do that every month of so, but it doesn't correlate with my period, just random crazy i have. i was crazy the last couple of days. I could become a transexual but female to male are always really ugly, i'd have to somehow grow a foot and drop 20 pounds and grow a chin and i'd be a really cute guy, ask natalia i have the perfect guy nose. |
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| 11:16pm 10/04/2006 |
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Who doesn't love this
bahahahaha. |
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| 09:28pm 05/04/2006 |
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| 09:36pm 04/04/2006 |
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Miami Ink on in about 30. I love that show. TLC has really good shows right now. Little People Bid World, need I say more. Yeah, back to tattoos I think will eventually in time end up getting something. I want it to look very art nouveau an be around my shoulder. Pretty, but unique and special to me of course.
I tried my new diet and exercise routine today. Both I need to modify in order not to kill myself. The exercise is designed for someone way stronger than me, and I had considered myself in okay shape, geez. the diet is actually okay, but I need to make my lunch bigger. Hopefully if it's nice I'll go for a bike ride tomorrow.
baha, old photos.
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| 02:34pm 26/03/2006 |
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my interview at Forever 21 went OKAY but I dunno, hopefully they'll just take me since their hiring a bunch for summer.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Of course I should go to New York. First of all, why the fuck not? Because it's expensive. What else am I going to do with that cash? Buy a car, clothes, other pointless shit? I'll have Natalia and a completely new city. I won't need anything else.
For this year, I need to focus on my drawing, because it's the only thing I can do and probably the only thing I'll ever do. I've just struggled lately, I have such a fear of rejection. It's not hard for me to not like something I've done and have other people like it, or if we both don't like something. I'm so afraid of being proud of something I've made and have it be torn apart. If I go to FIT though, I'll know even if that happens I'm learning from the best.
Now I wish I could go to FIT this year, but I can't. I need money. |
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| 10:08pm 20/03/2006 |
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My sister is such a cunt. She really is. She's really smart but so fuckung annoying and sensitive and lame that it doesn't matter how smart she is.
The story of my mom is kind of sad. She never got the education she wanted, mostly in part of because she let people walk all over her. I'm sure she's had some fun in life and had people to love, but in the way of personal happiness, she can't seem to make that happen.
I usually fail at things the first time around. I am the biggest fucking king of second chances, except when it comes to pedophiles, cause, you know, that's gross. Anyway, I figured that's why I'm so hesitant to go anywhere big and commiting as my first step into the real world.* If I fuck up, I don't want to fuck up on something big and expensive.
So, to keep my family off my back, I'm going to pretend to study languages and art earnestly in hopes of a career path, when actually I have no fucking clue what I want to set out on. I figure being multilinguist will give me some sort of leg-up in anything.
I'm reading this book Sex, Drugs and Cocopuffs by Chuck Klosterman and I really like it. He writes how I write, Natalia and I agreed that this makes reading much more easy to keep interested in and because we are egomaniacs.
* anything after high school |
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| 05:24pm 15/03/2006 |
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Of course I'm just talking bullshit right now, cause I'll have no idea what I'll be doing in the next few years, but I would like to move to a new city. I have three cities I absolutely want to live in sometime. They are Seattle (duh), Vancouver B.C. and Austin. I've never been to Austin, but for some reason it's always sound like a nice place to live, cept for being really hot. I still need to sew that god damn pillow then I'm done with SSE. What senior right now can say that?
I forgot we had the Sims 2, what the hell am I doing writing in this god damn thing when I have the Sims 2? Oh right, because I take it way too seriously and build a million houses and that's all I do and then I get frustrated. |
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
oknatalie's journal